California Dreamer; & How I Shuffle About.

I honestly do not know what to write about tonight.
I can honestly say that my depression as of late has been affecting me in so many adverse ways and I can't just come out and say "hey buzz off I'm depressed" for no one would understand. No one would understand ESPECIALLY the ones that I want to understand.

This thing, this creature that sneaks up and consumes me and my would, this monster hasa mind of it's own and BELIEVE me if I could control it I would.

I fell as if I am absolutely worthless. I feel fat and ugly. I wish so much to be thin and strong and beautiful it has almost become an obsession for me. I am constantly watching and yearning and learning how to be this beauty queen front I have created in my mind, but execution of this task is proving to be a problem.
And it hurts.

It hurts to look in the mirror and not like what you see. It hurts to not be able to sleep because you're up wondering what the hell is so wrong with you that you are obviously not cool enough to have regular friends and be invited to events. That you're not pretty enough or desirable enough to have men ask for your number or try to approach you in any sort of romantic and or sexual way. I feel broken. I feel gross to say the least.
All I want is approval and no matter how hard I try it is always right out of my reach and never in my upturned and begging palms.

I Just Want to Set the World on Fire!

I don't want to start a flame in your heart.. I just want to set the world on fire!

The above quote has really been like a realization for me.
I don't need you or your love person I seek for day in and day out, hour after hour, night after lonely seemingly endless night... I just need to live in my world and set it aflame with me.

Honestly
I really don't think it'll ever happen.
Right now I feel for the most part society rejects me and I am somehow marked with a big fat red mark on my forehead stating that I am forever broken.
I am somehow mishandled and abused freight; damaged goods.

And you know what?
I really don't think I am all that bad but
I
Guess
I
Am
.
But everyday I will strive to change this impression. I am ME that's all I can be. I honestly don't know what else to do.

There is so much I want that I can have.
There is all that I wan to be; & I know I can do it.
I
Am
Going
To
Be
Somebody: good
Somebody: to be proud of.
&& I hope they approve.

To the audience that never was...

Here we go again.
The girl that posted here in the mere beginning of fall is not the girl who writes to you today.
Oh no;
she is dead.
She is gone.
She has awoken and risen to a part of life she never thought happiness was possible and or attainable.
And that's where she stands; happiness attained and tangible everywhere everyday.

&& although she knows happiness is there the sickness that plagues her soul creeps in every now and then to take hold and to feed off her in every way.
The sickness takes her down to the blue and leaves her there to rot.
That's where she is now.

But she refuses to let the monster called depression win!
She will not let her emotions be run by a little pill telling her how she should feel.
No, of course she did not ask for this monster to be a part of her but she will accept him for who he is and deal wiith him by taming him instinctively with charm and wit given to her since birth.
It is a hard war but she will be victorious for she has seen evil at it's finest; she has lived in the presence of demons. She has danced their dances and sang their songs. She is bigger than this monster and must find the strength to move forward... She just must. For pure simple survival.

Writers Block

I have absolutely no idea what I am going to fill the virtual pages of this blog. It all seems like crap to me. I have no reason to write. I have no vision. I have no goals. I have no ambition for this project. I have looked and read others blogs. They all seem like they know where they are going. They all have a cause, they all have a reason. Then there is me.

This is kind of how it is for me in real life. I am surrounded by people who all have places to go and actions they need to complete before the day ends. I have one responsibility and that is: go to work.

My mother is right when she says a girl my age should not have to worry about bills and rent; I should be at home, living the easy life, just going to school. Once school is done, yes THAT is the time to venture from home and worry and scramble in the rat race we call life.

But what then?

What will I do when I want to do so many things in my life and I no longer have free time to finish them. I can no longer fit into my busy schedule time to sit and enjoy what life and this world have to offer.

The World has gone to shit

yes! We all know that.We as a human race, as a living body  of breathing and thinking we all can see the World is not safe. That does not mean in hidden corners of houses, in abandoned allies of cities, in decrepit gardens of small towns, there is still not beauty and happiness to be unearthed and discovered once again. I have felt it. I have experienced it. I have seen it. 

But now Summer heat is creeping its way in, making its last final bow in the wake of Falls waves, and I must go in from its angry vibrations.

 

Is it time for cider yet, Dear?

Ahhh yes!


I can feel it in the air. Fall is among us fast. She comes drifting in on her magic carpet of rust colored leaves. She majestically surfs the tidal waves of mystic cool air. She kisses our lips, she tickles our faces, she whispers ancient eerie folk tales into our ears and prepares us for her evil sister Winter. Oh how I admire you sweet fall.


I am sitting out on the paint flaked white bench of the rundown hotel converted into a studio apartment facility that I inhabit with my boyfriend in a major college town in Indiana. I just extinguished the only self rolled cigarette I have until a few hours from now. I am ready to write.


I chose outside because of the uplifting wind that Sister Fall is bringing. It is inspiring, truly inspiring. Fall is exactly what I need. 


Now for most of the people I am associated with, for most of  the people that I graduated with rather, Fall means new beginnings in the realm of education. Most are off to roam their separate colleges. But I have chosen to sit out this year and experience life beyond school. I am on a quest of self learning. I want to see sights. I want to experience my surroundings to the fullest. I want to have adventures. I may be poor, it may be a bad decision, but it is my decision.


Most times I feel alone. I could be in a room full of people, people I have known for years, people I have partied with, people I have laughed with, people I have cried with, people who I have spent a lot of solo time with, and 95% of the time I feel completely alone. I feel as if no one truly likes me for who I am. I feel as if no one understands who I am. I feel as if no one wants to know truly WHO I AM . 


So I guess my original expectations of blogging was to expose the true side of me that I guess I do not show to others. I feel as if I put it all out on the table. To others I guess they see a front. I am just transmitting a static message. The code is broken, hard to decipher. But now that I am writing I am hoping that no one that I know reads this blog. I will be mocked.