I honestly do not know what to write about tonight.
I can honestly say that my depression as of late has been affecting me in so many adverse ways and I can't just come out and say "hey buzz off I'm depressed" for no one would understand. No one would understand ESPECIALLY the ones that I want to understand.
This thing, this creature that sneaks up and consumes me and my would, this monster hasa mind of it's own and BELIEVE me if I could control it I would.
I fell as if I am absolutely worthless. I feel fat and ugly. I wish so much to be thin and strong and beautiful it has almost become an obsession for me. I am constantly watching and yearning and learning how to be this beauty queen front I have created in my mind, but execution of this task is proving to be a problem.
And it hurts.
It hurts to look in the mirror and not like what you see. It hurts to not be able to sleep because you're up wondering what the hell is so wrong with you that you are obviously not cool enough to have regular friends and be invited to events. That you're not pretty enough or desirable enough to have men ask for your number or try to approach you in any sort of romantic and or sexual way. I feel broken. I feel gross to say the least.
All I want is approval and no matter how hard I try it is always right out of my reach and never in my upturned and begging palms.
