Writers Block

I have absolutely no idea what I am going to fill the virtual pages of this blog. It all seems like crap to me. I have no reason to write. I have no vision. I have no goals. I have no ambition for this project. I have looked and read others blogs. They all seem like they know where they are going. They all have a cause, they all have a reason. Then there is me.

This is kind of how it is for me in real life. I am surrounded by people who all have places to go and actions they need to complete before the day ends. I have one responsibility and that is: go to work.

My mother is right when she says a girl my age should not have to worry about bills and rent; I should be at home, living the easy life, just going to school. Once school is done, yes THAT is the time to venture from home and worry and scramble in the rat race we call life.

But what then?

What will I do when I want to do so many things in my life and I no longer have free time to finish them. I can no longer fit into my busy schedule time to sit and enjoy what life and this world have to offer.

The World has gone to shit

yes! We all know that.We as a human race, as a living body  of breathing and thinking we all can see the World is not safe. That does not mean in hidden corners of houses, in abandoned allies of cities, in decrepit gardens of small towns, there is still not beauty and happiness to be unearthed and discovered once again. I have felt it. I have experienced it. I have seen it. 

But now Summer heat is creeping its way in, making its last final bow in the wake of Falls waves, and I must go in from its angry vibrations.

 

Is it time for cider yet, Dear?

Ahhh yes!


I can feel it in the air. Fall is among us fast. She comes drifting in on her magic carpet of rust colored leaves. She majestically surfs the tidal waves of mystic cool air. She kisses our lips, she tickles our faces, she whispers ancient eerie folk tales into our ears and prepares us for her evil sister Winter. Oh how I admire you sweet fall.


I am sitting out on the paint flaked white bench of the rundown hotel converted into a studio apartment facility that I inhabit with my boyfriend in a major college town in Indiana. I just extinguished the only self rolled cigarette I have until a few hours from now. I am ready to write.


I chose outside because of the uplifting wind that Sister Fall is bringing. It is inspiring, truly inspiring. Fall is exactly what I need. 


Now for most of the people I am associated with, for most of  the people that I graduated with rather, Fall means new beginnings in the realm of education. Most are off to roam their separate colleges. But I have chosen to sit out this year and experience life beyond school. I am on a quest of self learning. I want to see sights. I want to experience my surroundings to the fullest. I want to have adventures. I may be poor, it may be a bad decision, but it is my decision.


Most times I feel alone. I could be in a room full of people, people I have known for years, people I have partied with, people I have laughed with, people I have cried with, people who I have spent a lot of solo time with, and 95% of the time I feel completely alone. I feel as if no one truly likes me for who I am. I feel as if no one understands who I am. I feel as if no one wants to know truly WHO I AM . 


So I guess my original expectations of blogging was to expose the true side of me that I guess I do not show to others. I feel as if I put it all out on the table. To others I guess they see a front. I am just transmitting a static message. The code is broken, hard to decipher. But now that I am writing I am hoping that no one that I know reads this blog. I will be mocked.